i used to have this theory that everyone really was created equal. my experiences have shaped me to be the way that i am, and another's experiences have shaped them, we all have our own frame of reference. what i might find extremely important may be insignificant to another. what hurts me may not hurt someone else, but they have their own pain.
but honestly, i'm sad to say that that was really naive of me. read any newspaper, look all over the world. these people are not equal to me. there is no way that my trivial problems effect me as much as their struggles effect them. innocent victims killed in israel, pakistan, iraq, all over. in niger, kids who can't even process real food because of how malnourished they are. chinese and indian children and adults alike forced into labor for little or even no money. and then there are (not ALL of them, and not exclusive to) the few, rich, white men who actually believe that they are entitled to more than their share of all of this world's resources and manmade luxuries. *ahem*georgebushdickcheneytheentirebushadministration*ahem*
i don't know what to believe or believe IN anymore.
SO -- thus being said, i need to help people. i've changed my major to political science and i love it. there's so much wrong with our nation, and maybe this is me being naive again, but learning about these injustices somehow empowers me to change it. not everyone in this world is evil, i haven't personally come across anyone who is, so policies need to be changed and people need to be informed of what is going on. somehow i am going to make a difference, whether it be through journalism or a political campaign or hands on work, i have no idea. there has to be some humanity left in this world.
ps - i am LOVING our human rights club, it makes me so inspired, i'm so excited about all of our members and our projects! :)
cleaning has made me so super-dee dooper-dee happy. i finally found all of the new photo paper i got and i'm charging my camera batteries, oh how i've missed her <3 so i'm printing photos and journaling and eee! :)
i'm actually doing well in my english class at nassau it's not as much work as my prof made it seem initially i'm finally learning to love to read like i've always wanted to.
i'm glad josh is home, i've missed him lots.
travelling is good. the city; uptown, downtown, china town. all across le island. :)
girly night, hopefully lizzy will be joining i want new paltz and port washington to unite!
seriously, sometimes the right songs just fall right into place when i need them most. dispatch has made me feel so normal and happy and amazing. and i am upset that the guy from ebay hasn't gotten back to me yet! hopefully erin, liz, and i (and two others..) will be able to see them live and experience their amazingness in person once again. :)
my friends are the best people ever recently. i know i can count on them whenever i need them. two nights in a row i stayed up talking to pierce and then liz until 6:30 in the morning. the both of them are so fucking amazing.
everything i'm going through is normal, relationships are complicated. sigh, boys. gabe and i are fine, i don't understand us sometimes, but i know no matter what, we have some weird connection no matter how much he says he doesn't like getting close to people, he always calls. sigh. i know i'm appreciated, sometimes things just don't work out. people are so different, they've had different experiences, have different ideas, you just can't force things. sigh.
camping later with the girls. i'm so excited, and i finally got to talk to caitlin last night, i haven't seen her in soo long, i miss her dearly! god, my friends rule.
i can't wait to go home, though i'm gonna miss my new paltzies ever so much. <3
i forgot to mention how amazing the horoscopes from chronogram.com are..
" TAURUS (Apr 21-May 21) You are starting to know your own mind, and it is coming with an echo of knowing your soul. Like many things we apprehend in the world, this gift is born of learning to see and feel contrasts. Some kind of polarized situation now appears to be rising like the crest of a wave, and with it you are experiencing a full-on pulse of awareness that may seem like more than you can handle. Yet your own existence is clearly within your capacity to experience it. Your role in your world, your impact on your loved ones and your community, and the value of what you create, are all contained inside you, waiting to be expressed. You are bigger than all the things you do, the ideas you have, and the people you know. You would go a long way toward resolving your obvious insecurities by affirming that you are one person with one set of needs; that you have one life and are one self, not two, nor one divided. "
i try and always learn from my mistakes. and generally i'm good at it. the way i deal with people, my relationships, etc. i never have any regrets, and that's because i know everything that i've done has gotten me to the point that i'm at, and i trust myself enough to know that i only do what seems right at the time.
one thing i can't seem to get straight though is getting work done. since.. i don't know, sometime during my junior year of high school? i've realized that structure is what i need. i've gotten a bit better, but everytime i seem to be on top of things, i let it all go, and for what? i don't even know, and i don't know how i let this happen. for the past three weekends in a row all i've done is sleep, go out, and then go back to bed. i've known about this final philosophy paper since the beginning of april, and i started it at 3 in the morning. it's due at 7PM tonight. and you know what, somehow i was right and i'm almost done with it, but seriously, my head is killing me, not from lack of sleep, but overlseep.
i have to take better care of myself, physically. i don't drink enough water. i don't get enough sleep. or i get too much sleep. i don't eat enough. or if i do, i don't eat enough of anything nutritious. i don't exercise enough. i don't remember to use those nose sprays for my sinuses twice a day.
okay, back to bed for me. tomorrow i have to meet alyta at dorsky theatre at 11, come back and work on my papers some more, go to true value with ellie at 1, more paper work, then meet with ms. hach, then go to class from 3:30-6:20. seriously, after that, i'm pretty much done with my stress. i have one test this week, but it's an essay and shouldn't be too difficult to write. then comes the camping trip and my birthday! hoorah! oh, and i've been making new friends all over the place, including meeting people who went to schreiber -- i was invited to another party on saturday night, where apparently a band from port is playing? and then next week leslie and marina arrive! then some more finals, but nothing too hard. and then HOME! finally! :)
i can't believe people are home already. i want to be home. i've already gone into "want to do nothing all day" mode. i'm sleeping abnormal amounts, and i don't want to give a shit about it. i don't have too much work to do however, after this weekend i'll be basically done. :) i need to finish these essays though. and finish my art projects. i want to work at northwinds and hang out with bushey and go to canada with mitzi and ellie. i want to start my summer of concerts. i want to relax. i want to feel loved again. everyone is busy doing so much work, including me, and i just feel sorta blah.. i mean, the upside of blah, but still blah nonetheless. i miss going out as a routine, not something we have to fit in just to make sure we don't go crazy. i miss being with friends all the time and just knowing that they need me as much as i need them.
i'm sick of trying to push the stupid boy to be someone he doesn't want to be. he will mature one day, apparently it's just not my job to help. it's frustrating when someone initiates things all the time and as soon as you give in, you get disappointed. i think i have to stop expecting so much from people. apparently showing that i care is a weakness to certain people, i get walked all over. he's one of those people, and i fucking hate that about him. it's things like this that make me miss daryl. i wouldn't trade anything that happened between us for the world. even the break up. it was completely necessary for me to be where i am right now. we don't blame each other, it just is. first loves, they're a killer. i'm better for it. but he was such a good guy, i constantly knew how he felt about me and i felt special and cared for. i'm so lucky to have had that first experience with him. he gives me faith that there are more genuine, caring guys out there. i don't hate gabe. i anything but hate gabe. we obviously just don't work. i don't know what he wants, but apparently it's not what i want. having two such great relationships makes me want it back so badly. i'm glad we can stay friends, but i still don't fully get why we broke up. i thought i got it, and then a few weeks later i found out i was wrong. we probably shouldn't be together, but i know what he's capable of. i just don't think he does.
i should probably just stay single for a while. i can't force anything that isn't there. meh.
i want freshman year to be over so freshman year can be over.
ps -- i fucking love new paltz, i don't know if i can stress this enough. sophmore year looks so kickass. liz and i are going to have the best room EVAR! <3
.. for making me re-listen to "dog problems" by the format. i had completely given up on them before you. :) oh, and reminding me that spider-man 3 is coming out this friday. AHH! gotta get my ticket for midnight!
(yeah okay.. going to bed early doesn't happen when i want it to..)
twisted ankles, shirtless parties, limited amounts of alcohol, rocking against racism, staying up until 10 am, LOST, night hosting, chocolate bunnies, schreiber high school reunions, guitar playing in the suite, bad movies, fattening pasta, dorm hopping, pierce in a box, lefevre craziness, sleeping all day..
all equals an amazing weekend. however, i'm not exactly looking forward to hobbling to class tomorrow.
everything is more than amazing. i love new paltz, and i love port washington at the same time. all of the break up drama is over, and we are friends again -- yay! not to mention i've been in a new relationship for about two months.. not so new anymore i guess, heh. <3 i seriously feel just as close with my friends here as i am/was with people from port. i love meeting new people, and i am actually getting really into my classes. ellie and i started a gay-straight alliance, and people seem to be excited about it, since the queer student union just sort of disappeared after last semester. i might be coming home this weekend to see easter celebrating peeps. will anyone be around?
um, if i'm a photo major, then how come every single one of these poli sci courses looks awesome, and i'm looking forward to about 2 or 3 of the art courses?
i'm feeling some major creative juices flowing.
i'm starting to feel like though i love art, and i think that i tend to look at things in an artistic way, i'm not one of those people with tortured artists' souls. when i'm depressed, i can't make art, though that would make me feel better, i have no inspiration when i'm upset, so all i can do is write a lot about how upset i am, and not good writing either just lots of complaints, heh.
this is actually REALLY a good thing, because i know that so many artists when they get too happy can't work anymore so it's sort of like a catch 22, but honestly, not only do i want to be happy for myself, but my art as well. :)
btw i'm listening to "this bitter pill" by dashboard. man, intense. heh.
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high_contrastt's journal
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